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Reprinted by permission from MENS CONFIDENTIAL September 1995.

Knowing when and how to use personal lubricants could revolutionize your sex life.

Something's changed. You're not sure what, but sex just isn't what it used to be. Maybe your partner seems distant and uninterested, maybe her remoteness just comes and goes, or maybe it's you who just can't seem to get things going. Although it may seem as though the relationship is on the rocks, you may have just literally hit dry ground.

"A common cause for both men and women to lose interest in sex is a simple lack of lubrication," says Bruce Bekkar, M.D. an obstetrician and gynecologist practicing with the Southern California Kaiser Permanente Group in San Diego. Think of two pieces of sandpaper rubbing against each other and you'll start to get an idea of how unsatisfying "dry" intercourse be. It's none too healthy, either: Rubbing sensitive skin on the penis or lining the vagina too vigorously can cause abrasions and infections.

Since arousal is the primary stimulant for lubrication, dry sex can set in motion a destructive cycle. "Less lubrication creates less pleasurable sexual sensations. The diminishment in pleasure then leads to less arousal, which in turn creates lower levels of lubrication," explains Dr. Bekkar.

And that downward lack-of-slide can have a big effect on the performance of the penis. When men have anything less than a rock-hard erection, lack of lubrication may make the situation worse by making intercourse more difficult. "If a man's attempting penetration and not succeeding, he can get so frustrated and disappointed that he loses the erection altogether," says Laurence Levine, M.D., director of Male Sexual Function and Fertility Program at Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Medical Center in Chicago.

All of these side effects can take a real toll on your relationship. When a man starts to notice that his wife seems remote and sexually uninterested, he may start to wonder if she's having an affair or if he's simply not able to satisfy her anymore. "It's very threatening to men when they're used to having their partners respond in a certain way and suddenly, or gradually, she just seems to lose interest," says Dr. Bekkar.

Think back on a recent sexual encounter. Did you feel a lot of friction, or have trouble with the initial penetration, or did things seem to slide together without much trouble? If you had several orgasms, did the later ones seem to generate more friction? Does the friction tend to increase the longer you keep going? Does your partner need more time before penetration than she used to? Do the lubrication levels seem to vary at different times of the month? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes," your sex life may be in the need of a little lube fine-tuning.

CYCLES OF LIFE

First, it's important to understand that men don't make much of a contribution in the slippery realm of sexual lubrication. While some men produce a bit of lubrication from the tiny glands that line the urethra (the tube that carries semen and urine through the penis), most release nothing more than a little early seminal fluid. "Lubrication falls almost entirely to the woman: Men don't really contribute in a noticeable way," says Dr. Levine.

It's critical then to throw off our studied ignorance of all things related to the female cycle: By understanding when lubrication might not be available, no matter how aroused your partner is, you can learn when it might be critical to have a little lube tube handy.

MENSTRUAL CYCLE. If your partner seems very lubricated at some times and fairly dry at others, it may be simply due to her monthly cycle. Women in their childbearing years ride a veritable hormonal roller coaster, undergoing shifts in the quantity and quality of lubrication at different points of their cycle.

About two weeks after menstruation, certain hormones peak and the egg is released. It's during this time of the month, ovulation, that the opening to the uterus, the cervix, begins to release a watery mucus that forms a slick highway to facilitate the sperm's journey to the egg. "This increase in cervical mucus adds to a feeling of vaginal 'wetness,'" says Margaret Polaneczky, M.D., assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center in New York. Some women also report heightened desire at this point in their cycle.

POSTPARTUM. After the birth of a child, a woman's estrogen levels dive, and they stay fairly low as long as she's breast-feeding. "When estrogen levels are low for a long prolonged period of time, the vaginal tissues just don't lubricate very well," explains Dr. Bekkar.

MENOPAUSE. Right around the age of 50, most women will undergo dramatic hormonal shifts that signal an end to their reproductive years-and a dramatic drop in their levels of lubrication. "Within a few months to a year after menopause occurs, a woman will notice a significant decrease in her amount of lubrication and the elasticity of her vaginal tissues," says Dr. Bekkar. Both of these effects are brought about by a reduction in the level of estrogen-and can often be reversed in the long term by taking estrogen supplements.

SLIP SLIDING AWAY

So now that you know when and why you need a lubricant, the best thing to do is run out to your local drugstore and pick up whatever they've got-right? Not exactly. "Widely available lubricants, like K-Y jelly, were originally designed for medical use and aren't designed to stay slick as long as some of the products especially designed for sex," says Cathy Winks of Good Vibrations, an adult mail-order company based in San Francisco. In other words, you may want to buy your lubricant from a sex specialty store.

When it comes to selecting a particular lubricant, keep in mind your intended usage. If you're going to pair the lube with a condom, be sure to stick with water-based formulation: The oils in some brands can eat away at latex. If you'll be using lubricants in conjunction with oral sex, read the labels carefully: Glycerin and sucrose carry a sweet taste, and detergents such as nonoxynol-9, methylparaben and propylparaben are likely to impart a soapy, medicinal flavor. Some people have reported a slight numbing of the tongue with lubricants containing nonoxynol-9. "However it's perfectly safe to use," assures Dr. Polaneczky.