Eduaction - Communication

Communication

Sex therapists like to say that good communication between partners is as essential to good sex as any other single thing. But the fact is that very few people really do know how to talk to their partners about sex.

"One of the most amazing things to us about sexual behavior is how reticent most people are to talk with their lovers about sex .... We see plenty of couples whose well-intentioned caresses fall short of the mark because they're too much, too soon, too little, too late," William Masters, M.D., and Virginia Johnson, of the Masters and Johnson Institute in St Louis, have observed.

You shouldn't beat yourself up too badly if you still feel a little sheepish and embarrassed about discussing your sexual needs. For one thing, we're simply unused to hearing people talk, with love and specifies, about sex. There are few role models whom we can emulate -there is no Jane Fonda of sexual communication. For another thing, it's hard to talk to your lover about sex without sounding like you're judging or criticizing. And then, of course, there's the enormous cultural chasm that separates men from women, which makes sexual conversations sometimes seem like a fireside chat with E.T. Add to that the fact that both men and women, for different reasons, have difficulty talking to each other about sex, and you've got a surefire setup for communications failure.

Why Men - and Women – Don’t Ask

"Men are supposed to know everything about sex, so they feel foolish if they

have to ask about what pleases their mate," says Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., assistant clinical professor of medical psychology at the University of California, San Francisco, School of Medicine. Just having to ask shows that they're not a macho superhero. Many men also would simply prefer to communicate nonverbally, because they're not really comfortable verbalizing anything. They argue that talking about sex spoils the spontaneity.

Women, on the other hand, were brought up to believe that it's not "nice" to talk about sex, or even to act as if you're interested in it. ("If he really loved me, he'd know what I want.") Sex becomes an ESP guessing game. It happens, says Dr. Barbach, that one partner will persist for years in some habit (like ear kissing) that he or she thinks turns the other on but that in fact causes only repulsion or irritation.

There are times when it really isn't necessary to talk to your lover about sex like when things are going great. It’s not unheard - of for couples to have a satisfying, long--standing sexual relationship and never feel the need to say a word about it. But when one of you begins to feel used or unloved or unsatisfied, its time to talk.

Take a Little Time

Sometimes the best way to deal with sexual dissatisfaction is to face it head-on. Set aside a "safe" block of time, free from the intrusions of children, ringing phones and work, advises Dr. Barbach. It doesn't have to be long - 15 minutes is probably plenty. It's probably best to choose a time other than during or after sex and a place other than bed, because that way it doesn't seem so much as if you're criticizing or judging your partner.

Think of what you're going to say beforehand and try to make it simple, concise and unambiguous. Ask for your partner's full attention. Begin on a positive note by telling your lover what You like and appreciate and how much you want the relationship to work. Then go on to add that "there is a problem with our sex life that I'd like us to work on." Try to use "I" statements (what I really need; what I'd like; what I wish) rather than "you" statements (you never do this; you always do that), because it's less judgmental.

Since talking about sex can be so emotionally loaded and emotions can so wildly distort what you're trying to say, it's important that you make sure you're being understood. Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in the Human Sexuality Program at the University of California, San Francisco, suggests using the "talk and listen" approach. That simply means that you ask your lover to listen and say nothing while you're talking. Try to communicate your message as clearly as possible, and stick to one main point. Then, when you're done, ask your lover to tell you (in just a sentence or two) what he or she thinks you meant. If there's some misunderstanding, explain yourself again and ask for your lover's new understanding of what you're trying to say. Proceed in this way until you both feel you've understood one another.

"It's truly amazing how often we aren't understood and how often we don't understand others," says Dr. Zilbergeld. "The feeling of being understood is a powerful one and in itself can bring people closer together."

Keep It Simple

Remember to keep your message short and sweet a sexual telegram, not an opus.

"The concept of communication sounds very serious and frightening to many people," says Dr. Zilbergeld, but "no one is suggesting that Shakespearean odes are necessary." Most of the time, what works best is just to keep it short and simple. If you fear that your partner may reject your suggestions utterly, relax.

"Most women are very open to the idea of trying to make your love life better," says Dr. Zilbergeld. "If you just approach her in a nice, loving way-say, 'I love our sex life, but I'd like for us to try some new ways to keep it interesting'- I think you'll find she may well have some ideas of her own." (Men might, too.)

Be Specific; Make a List

"Very often, I'll discover that the guy has desires he's never brought up," says Dr. Zilbergeld. "And the woman says, 'I try to please him, but when I ask him what he wants, he says, "Everything you do is great."' Women hate that. Men need to learn how to ask" (So do women.) And be specific about it.

For couples who really need to broach the subject of sex with each other but are having trouble breaking the ice, therapists sometimes have them do a simple list making exercise, says Dr. Barbach. Both partners just make a written list of everything they think sets the stage for good sex and then share their lists with each other. "We're both relaxed ... no interruptions ... we've spent some time talking or just being together beforehand ... candlelight. . ." Doing this exercise can be an innocuous way of easing into the subject of sex and perhaps raising issues that need to be raised.